Film Reviews for Movies I’ve Never Seen
Movies aren’t really my thing, so I decided to create a list describing popular movies I’ve never actually seen—based entirely on my own imagination.
This movie was the comedic experience of the century. In a series of intense flashbacks, main character Augustus Waters begins to reminisce about his past in order to figure out why all of his kids hate him, only to find out he’s been in a psychedelic coma for the last five years. In an effort to piece his fragmented life together, he embarks on the journey of a lifetime filled with booze, bonding and other b-words I won’t get into on a public forum. The film had me crying tears of laughter from start to finish, following the story of a broken man who deserved every bit of karma he had coming, yet somehow you still want to root for him every step of the way.
-Hannah O’Toole, Burger King enthusiast
If there is one movie that you need to see this holiday season as a family—it’s this one. E.L. James’s coming of age novel was brought to life in this heart wrenching cinematic experience. The film centers around the troubled life of Christian Grey, a young man on a harrowing journey to discover who he is as he navigates the world of the elite. Filled with triumph and failure, this film is for anyone who feels the need to be reconnected with their childhood roots and remember what it feels like to be young again. It is a guarantee that everyone who sees this movie will leave the theater questioning at least one aspect of their life as they know it.
-Hannah O’Toole, Professional Maker of Nachos
Months later, this movie still gives me nightmares. Entering what appears to be the mundane world of a nursing home, this psycho thriller becomes anything but. The movie takes place inside Bethany Manor, a home for the elderly where the dementia ward happens to be filled with all blind patients. Unbeknownst to the nurses, the patients are planning to overthrow the home in a ploy for power. If you’ve never seen a senile old woman running around hospital floors in a nightgown, now is your chance. Trust me on this one, you will be having nightmares for weeks.
-Hannah O’Toole, Type 1 diabetic (full-time)
The Best Day Ever
Has anyone ever asked you to describe your best day ever? Why is it that in the 23 years of my human experience I’ve been asked this so many times? Why is it that as soon as someone asks me this I can’t think of ANYTHING? Am I a pessimist? A glass half empty person?
That’s what I coded myself as until my most recent shower thought. As I stood there banging my body wash that had been empty for the last 3 months on my palm in denial, I realized that maybe I can’t think of my best day ever, because I don’t see just one day. I see a collection of moments where happiness felt the most tangible.
On my 11th birthday, my aunt pointed out every sign, tree or fixture with two parallel lines. She told me that once you turn 11 the world shows you all the 11’s you couldn’t see before. Something about it felt like magic. The whole world knew that I was 11 and they were celebrating with me.
For 9 years, I went to a summer camp for people whose pancreases shit the bed (Type 1 diabetes if you’re looking for the medical term). During my last summer there, we were sitting under the stars when I heard someone say “Thank god my pancreas doesn’t work” I sat back, surrounded by my best friends and the smell of campfire, not a working pancreas in sight–-I felt pretty lucky too.
As I gave up on the body wash, and the water turned from lukewarm to freezing, I realized that maybe my best day ever is merely a mosaic of memories.
It’s belting out the lyrics to my favorite song surrounded by people that make me laugh until my stomach hurts. It’s sitting around a countertop, reliving memories with girls I knew before dry shampoo and mascara. It’s seeing someone’s eyes light up when they talk about their favorite book. It’s sitting in amicable silence with a friend who knows you so well, words aren’t necessary to feel their comfort.
The best day ever is realizing that I can’t choose just one day, because I have far too many to choose from, and so many more to come.
*Editor's note:
Dear Roommates,
Please forgive me for using up all of the hot water as I ponder yet another existential crisis that hasn’t crossed anybody else’s mind.
-Hannah